The Unofficial Choir Member

I made the choice to take the As to Daddy J’s alumni choir concert. I was hoping to give you a glowing review of my experience. I can’t even tell you how long it lasted. I have no clue.

A1 was fine at first. She had three books and my iPhone. She played with a few Fisher-Price apps and flipped through the books. She even clapped for the choir once. Then, all hell broke loose. I had moved her and A2 to my lap. The Elmo Loves You book fell to the ground. A1 whined, “Elmo!” and wouldn’t accept her Touch and Feel Farm or Zoe and Elmo Go to the Zoo. Going to my former college’s chapel has never seemed like such a bad idea.

I tried to placate her after another tantrum, but the condescending assholesold couple in front of me turned partway around and said, “Take her out, please” in this dumb ass we’re-trying-to-enjoy-the-show way. Yeah, because I never tried to do so before I was married, attending concerts while I lived on campus.

I tried to leave. The door is heavy. I am carrying a squirming toddler in one hand and a chubby six-month-old in the other. I felt almost hardcore that I could carry them at once. I sat down, and of course, A1 kicks up again, and I am forced to take her out of there. It was during one of the pauses the choir director (who is a condescending jackass) takes to give a dissertation about his inspiration for the song at handspeak. I walk A1 to the back. She has a tantrum on the floor. I am still carrying the baby. I eventually walk them back and try to open the stroller. The gentleman in the front-facing partnership says, “Do you need help?”. I lost it. “YES, I DO! SET THIS UP AND HELP ME PUT HER IN THE STROLLER.” Fucking idiot. I guess he saw the baby in my arms and got the damn point. He couldn’t figure out the DuoGlider, because he’s 80. He, myself, and another kinder, gentler woman, who I wish would have sat by me, brought my things into the hallway. I was pretty mortified. I still am.

We sat in the hallway for the duration of the concert. A high school alumni of mine, whose wife was also singing in the choir, was there with his four-year-old. She was a sweet little thing. That was a bright spot, as was the lady who showed her kindness. Otherwise, it wasn’t fun.

I figured A1 didn’t want to sit still that long. Suddenly, when the audience clapped, she put her fingers in her ears. It was too loud, and she was overstimulated. A2 didn’t even cry once. I then realized that it was a mistake to bring her there at this age.

I’ve declined dance recitals and all sorts of events similar to this. Now, I will continue to do so until the kids are 10 or so.

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