New Digs For Old Martyrs

I’ve been doing some thinking (when haven’t I?) about this whole SAHM thing. No, I’m not going back to work right now (the kids would have no sitter). I keep going back to something my mom told me not too long ago.

As I’ve mentioned before, my mom was also a SAHM. She stayed home with my brother and I for 12 years (I was nine). In a couple of conversations, she mentioned another relative (name and title withheld) who “couldn’t spend time with her kids without doing her makeup and putting contacts in.”

I say, “Why the hell not?”

Supposedly, said relative left her children in their play pen all the time, and never held them. My mother claims this woman is selfish. I think it’s a bunch of crap, because it’s a necessity to do some of these things.

If you are a veteran mom, or a grandmother, do not say this to a new mom: “You won’t have time for anything. You won’t even have time to shower.” Bullshiiiiiiiiiiit.

For the love of Christ, make time to shower. Do it. You will feel human again. I have gone four days before without showering until I finally said, Enough of this crap.

Do things because you want to do them. Because you deserve it. We all have to be a little selfish sometimes. You give everything you have to your children. You sacrifice your time, your breaks, food, sex (sometimes), and your career. Why the hell should you give up your self-esteem and self-worth? That is stupid. The idea of doing this is just stupid. You deserve so much better than this.

The other grand thing I’m trying to do is (I’m not as malleable as I sound) is say no. No, MIL, I am not going to take A1 to have her get a haircut because you and SIL think her bangs are uneven. Besides, her bangs were fine (even if I cut them myself!), and I’d rather spend time doing more meaningful things, like playing with the kids and teaching them valuable skills.

Single people aren’t the only ones who work on themselves. “I’m doing me.” Yes, SAHMs try to “do” themselves (don’t get derogatory on me, now).

I have decided I am done feeling depressed. I have a life to live. I have kids who need their mother and an example of me dressing and acting as fabulous as I did in my 20s.

I went to Kohl’s and spent $28 on two tank tips (for layering) and a jewelry set. I dressed up because I can. Who says I still have to work outside the home? I wasn’t employed as a college student. I still wore sparkly Aero tee shirts (this hasn’t changed!), and one winter, a fur coat (my girly pimp outfit).

Why be someone you’re not or try to fit in? Why worry about whether or not someone likes you? Who cares if this person is only related to you by a piece of paper (marriage license)? They’ll never change their negative, shitty ways, and you’ll never change. You will always be better than them. They’ll be stuck gossiping about everyone while you’re busy accomplishing other things. So, screw it, and screw them.

Here’s a message for everyone! Stay in this place, and say this to others who try to invade it!

The Calm After The Storm

Ugh. I was beginning to lose my mind.

It’s not just the potty training process that’s on my mind, it’s everything else. I suppose I should start from the beginning.

Last week, we celebrated A1’s second birthday. Now, we only have one child under two. It’s still an exciting and busy time, though. There’s always work to be done, whether it’s on the kids or myself.

If you’ve read “The Burden of Lists”, you may recall some of the life issues I’ve discussed. I’m working on putting some of the repressed sadness to bed once and for all. I’ve been in therapy for five years, and have made progress. The stress that builds up and the reaction are what still need work.

Last weekend, I was in a close friend’s wedding. We had a great time, but it was a lot of driving. Little did I know that I scheduled A1’s party the day after the wedding. The mayhem began Friday.

First, it was the rehearsal. We had to leave the kids with my mother-in-law, which is stressful. Instead of worrying about them right in front of me, I got to worry about them 82 miles from home. We get home late, and then turn around to drive back for the ceremony early in the morning after getting back late. All is well for the day. We get back at 12:30 am. I’m exhausted, and all the preparation my parents were supposedly going to do on Friday never happened, of course, so we had to rush around on Sunday. Fabulous.

I hate rushing. I get caught in this damn trap of rushing. It makes me violent and snappy. I scream at everyone and become super bitchy. Unfortunately, this rage was directed at my in-laws. Some idiosyncrasies don’t mix well with me when I have no sleep and no filter.

I screamed at my MIL. Yes, we have some differences in opinion. Yes, we have some differences in parenting. No, I did not want to answer the 180th stupid ass question about where something was or where to put extra food.

Ever since that day, I’ve had practically no fuse. This sucks. I’ve been taking breaks to calm down, but I still feel frustrated sometimes.

When Meds Attack

What happens when I don’t take my Zoloft….